Thursday, February 07, 2008

Romney, We Hardly Knew Ye...

Well, Mitt Romney is out. He said he's leaving the presidential race for the good of the nation, because if he was in any way responsible for the GOP losing the election that would be tantamount to giving the terrorists the upper hand. This is all psuedo-bad news for all the right-wing talk radio blowhards who have been backing his fading candidacy, saying they would vote for Hillary Clinton if McCain was their party's standard-bearer, purportedly because she's more conservative than he is, even though they must know that raging against the ruling Clintons is actually their bread-and-butter.

Well, David Letterman should be good tonight - his nightly skewering of Romney has been a spectacular run of scorched-earth hilarity - and further proof that Mitt's a rich man, as all these wicked burns have been at his expense.

Don't worry about Mitt, if this presidential thing doesn't work out he can always go back to playing Victor Newman on The Young and the Restless. Mitt Romney doesn't look like a president, he looks like a ringmaster. Mitt looks like a guy wearing a golf shirt in an Eddie Bauer catalogue. He looks like the desk clerk at a Peninsula Hotel who tells you your room's not ready. Mitt looks like the guy at a party who gives you his card. He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club. He looks like a Jet Blue pilot who comes out to greet the passengers during the delay. Mitt Romney looks like the guy who says to the contestant, 'We're out of time, can you come back tomorrow?'

The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan.

How about that Mitt Romney, am I right about this guy? I mean, he looks like the guy on TV selling life insurance, doesn't he? He looks like that guy on a Father's Day ad for Norelco. He looks like a guy on cable urging you to tap your home equity. He looks like an American President in a Canadian movie. He looks like the medical expert in a Victoria Principal infomercial. He looks like the spokesman for senior lending networks. He looks like the guy who promises accident victims he'll get the money they deserve. He looks like the guy on the 'Just For Men' bottle. I mean, this guy looks like he'd be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down. He looks like a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on 60 Minutes. He looks like the photo that comes with the frame... By the way, if Mitt Romney is elected, he'll be the first president ever sworn in on a copy of GQ.

What about that Mitt Romney? He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping. He looks like the neighbor who spends way too much time on his lawn. Mitt Romney looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership. Mitt Romney looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.

We're all very proud of Mitt. He's the only presidential candidate to come from the Channel 2 news team. Let's throw it over to Mitt and see what's going on in the weather. He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. He looks like the piano player at an upscale department store. He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. He looks like a guy who is married to an over the hill actress. He looks like a guy who would brag about his cholesterol. He looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going...

He looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. This guy, he looks like an American actor who's popular in Germany. He looks like a contractor you'd have to sue, this Mitt Romney. He looks like the neighbor with the neat garage, that Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney from the '80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench.

Mitt looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear. Mitt looks like a guy who said he met Marge on eHarmony. Mitt looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes. Mitt looks like a guy who tries to sign you up for Herbalife. He looks like a golf commentator fired for an off-the-cuff remark...

2 comments:

Vila H. said...

It's like being machine-gunned by hilarity. Beautiful...

kodeureum said...

I notice nobody mentioned that he looks like a latter-day saint. Now that's class.