Monday, October 09, 2006

Real-Life Bond Villains

Name: Kim Jong Il
AKA: Dear Leader, Lil Kim.
Leader of: North Korea
Running Tings Since: 1994
How Did He Seize Power?: His father died - only communist country with royal succession in effect.
Example of Super-Villainy: Where do I begin?
Pet Peeves: He reportedly wasn't amused by the depiction of him in Team America: World Police.
Fun Fact: Supposedly has a collection of over 20,000 films in his personal library and a harem of babes known as the Joy Brigade. Kidnapped a South Korean filmmaker and forced him to make propaganda epics on behalf of the state.
Awards: One of the films made by the kidnapped filmmaker won a Best Director award at a Czech film festival.
Bond Movie he would have been the bad guy in:You Only Live Twice

Name: Sean Combs
AKA: Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy.
Leader of: Bad Boy Records, Sean John apparel
Running Tings Since: 1997
How Did He Seize Power?: His career rose in the immediate aftermath of Notorious B.I.G.'s death - his ghoulish tribute to Biggie "I'll Be Missing You" took the karaokesque use of a Police sample all the way to the top of the charts.
Example of Super-Villainy: Check out this party invite.
Pet Peeves: People who would rather die than vote. People who successfully sue him.
Awards: Hosted the MTV Awards once and announced he would be unveiling his new nom de mic 'Diddy' that evening: "You gonna see that in the entrance. You gonna see that swagger. You gonna see how I'm gonna navigate you through the journey."
Fun Fact: Invented the Remix. And then there's this.
Bond Movie he would have been the bad guy in: Goldfinger or Diamonds Are Forever

Name: Muammar al-Gaddafi
AKA: Mu‘ammar al-Qadhāfī, معمر القذافي, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya (official title)
Leader of: Libya
Running Tings Since: 1969
How Did He Seize Power?: Military coup.
Example of Super-Villainy: Goes around with a phalanx of camo-ed out bodyguard babes, in a possible nod to Professor Griff.
Pet Peeves: Pretty much everybody.
Awards: He gives out awards, recently bestowing upon Hugo Chavez his annual International Human Rights award.
Fun Fact: This year Lionel Richie headlined a concert commemorating the 20th anniversary of Reagan's bombing of Tripoli. The English Opera Company recently mounted a new production based on his life called Gaddafi: A Living Myth.
Bond Movie he would have been the bad guy in: Moonraker

Name: Rupert Murdoch
AKA: The Dirty Digger
Leader of: News Corporation (20th Century Fox, Fox News Channel, Sky Television, HarperCollins publishing, MySpace.)
Running Tings Since: The 1970s.
How Did He Seize Power?: Engulfing and devouring newspapers first in Australia, then Britain and America.
Example of Super-Villainy: Fox News Channel. Bought a house once owned by the Rockefeller family for 44 million dollars. Cash.
Pet Peeves: Liberals, anti-monopoly legislation.
Awards: Named the most influential Australian of all time by the Aussie current affairs magazine The Bulletin - he was heckled at the ceremony.
Fun Fact: The late Dennis Potter named the tumour that killed him 'Rupert' in his honour.
Bond Movie he would have been the bad guy in: Tomorrow Never Dies

Name: Saparmurat Niyazov
AKA: His Excellency Saparmurat Niyazov "Turkmenbashi" President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers (official title)
Leader of: Turkmenistan
Running Tings Since: 1985
How Did He Seize Power?: Rose up the ranks of the Communist Party. Supported Gorbachev in the final days of the Soviet Union; when Turkmenistan was granted its independence Niyazov retained control of the country.
Pet Peeves: He has banned opera, ballet, beards, long hair, makeup (for television anchors) and gold-capped teeth. Closed all libraries in rural areas.
Example of Super-Villainy: Statues of him are everywhere in the nation - one of them, a giant gold-plated statue of himself that stands in front of the country's largest building, the Neutrality Arch, rotates so it always faces the sun.
Awards: The 'Hero of Turkmenistan' award (5 time winner)
Fun Fact: Criticized the state television network for imposing his face on the screen during broadcasts, saying he found it embarrassing - the network interpreted his statement as a coded warning that they weren't using it enough, ramping up the Turkmenbashi accordingly. Introduced a new calendar in the country with the month of January renamed after him.
Bond Movie he would have been the bad guy in: Die Another Day

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