We have a winner for this year's Eurovision pop song contest. Calling themselves Lordi, this Gwar cover band from the planet Klingon, representing Finland (much in the way Celine Dion has represented Switzerland in previous competitions) have pulled off a convincing win in this annual ritual which is televised across Europe, wherein most every country (even Israel!) submits an ear-splittingly bad, crowd-pleasey song that must also clock in under 3 minutes; a disturbing percentage of the European populace then vote for their favourite. Historically, the only winning songs that were actual big hits outside of the Caring-About-Eurovision community were "Poupee De Cire Poupee Du Son" by France Gall (which some of you may know) and this. Oh yeah - Sandie Shaw won the grand prize with "Puppet on a String"; she hated having to perform this song so much that she quit showbiz. Lordi's winning song was called "Hard Rock Hallelujah".
My video store was renting a free tape of a Eurovision contest from the mid 90's. So I rented it. I think Latvia won. Or one of the Benelux countries. I can't remember because I went into a diabetic coma about an hour into it. It was a glorified jingle-fest - the sonic equivalent of a CIA-sponsored sugary breakfast cereal marketed in countries where they are also trying to rig the election.
But this year the Eurovision voters went all avant-garde on us, eschewing the likes of Heino, t.A.T.u. and The Kelly Family to select in their collective wisdom a band you can totally see performing in a club scene if they ever restart the Crow film franchise. The no-doubt significant Anti-Lordi vote must have been split across the other contestants, allowing the remaining bloc of Europeans who had been scared into voting for them after seeing their flame-soaked performance on the show, along with the small but crucial suburban Eurogoth swing vote, to crown these Scando cockrockers the champions. Kudos, Eurovision; you fell so far behind that now it looks like you're in the lead.
Later this year NBC is launching a singing contest based on the Eurovision model - each state of the Union participating. Expect a country singer to win. Not a Lordi cover band from West Virginia.
P.S. - The song performed by Ireland tonight was called 'Every Song is a Cry for Love'. That's one way of putting it.